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Open Letter to You who live
with Someone taking a Bar Exam

Friend, Family, and/or Significant Other:

Someone close to you is taking an upcoming California Bar Exam; we'll call him or her your B.A. ---Bar Applicant. What does that mean for you? Obviously each person and each family facing this has a different experience, but there are often parallels. Here below are some observations and stories about the challenges, what your B.A. is facing, and some things that have worked for others in your shoes to help your B.A. succeed in this endeavor and help you all survive the long haul.

The Bar Exam is a long haul. It is a huge challenge. It's each law student's private Mt. Everest. One does not climb mountains without proper gear, and one cannot give the Bar Exam short shrift. It requires total commitment, 100% focus, and time.

Expect your B.A. to be "gone" for the two months prior to his or her Bar Exam, and possibly for the four or five months prior. Your B.A. may be there physically, but if s/he is doing what needs to be done to pass, your B.A. will be gone. Your B.A. will be thinking about exam fact patterns while eating, showering, and likely dreaming about the exam as well. The person you knew who may have become slightly crazed as a law student will be taken over totally by "B.A.-syndrome." It's a disease to be certain, but the good news is it's temporary!

Many of those your B.A. is competing against are young, single, just out of law school, and have little or no work or family commitments; often they leave phone messages in May saying, "Will return all calls in July." (One former student added, "If anyone wants to know what to do to help me pass the bar, please feel free to contribute to my bar fund—taking off two months from work so will accept any and all gifts and loans; nothing is too small. And, thank you for understanding why I'm gone through July! See you then." Another student, a religious person, left a message asking all callers to simply pray for him. One colleague who passed the bar the first time, simply called everyone in his address book to say Goodbye till August—putting everyone on notice ahead of time that he would not be available.)

Some things that have worked for former students:

1. Plan a fun After Bar trip—something you (and your B.A.) can look forward to, a time when that person will return mentally as well as physically, and reconnect.



2. Eliminate anything that is possible to eliminate from your pre-Bar calendar. Say "No" in advance to all social commitments for your B.A. (One student told of a social function he had reluctantly agreed to attend where lo and behold he was seated next to a hot-headed cocky lawyer who berated him the entire evening for being out rather than studying.) If at the last minute, your B.A. has put in a good enough study day and is able to join you, welcome him or her. But understand if your B.A. needs to sleep, exercise, or just unwind.



3. Delay any important decisions, major changes, arguments, (remodeling!) until after the Bar. Anything that can wait, let it wait.



4. Make life during bar review as easy as possible. Some of my students ship kids off to grandparents, use paper plates for every meal, and unfortunately, some choose to save time by eliminating showers. (Kidding there with that last one, but you get the point!)



5. Help your B.A. get on and stay on a routine study schedule. If you have young children, it often helps to have your B.A. available to the family on a consistent predictable basis, even if it's limited. Knowing that Mom or Dad will be there and focused on the family for even an hour every night or at breakfast every morning is better than having that person unpredictably disappear. And study schedules help your B.A. too in fitting in the time for practice tests, etc.



6. If there is any inter-active studying that can help your B.A., participate in that. Be willing to test your B.A. with flashcards, if s/he wants that. Agree to listen to bar review tapes whenever you're in the car together. And, be open to listening if your B.A. needs to vent.



7. Accommodate your B.A.'s needs during the week of the Bar Exam. If s/he needs to be alone, respect that. If s/he needs you there, try to be there. (And B.A.s your job here is to be up front and very clear about what will make you the most well-prepared, well-rested, confident and happy going in to the Exam each day. Family, friends, and significant others are not mind readers, and especially if they themselves have not taken a Bar Exam, they need you to be clear in articulating how they can best help you.)



8. Try not to take the moodiness and tension that sometimes comes with Bar stress personally. This too shall pass.